I can't concentrate much on anything today...it's a sad week for our Polish community in Kitchener . A young mom and her 4 year old little daughter passed away early this week, they were found by their father/grandfather on Monday evening and now police are saying it is a murder/suicide case. I didn't know her personally but I know who she is, from church, polish school, and also her parents happen to be the next door neighbors of my very close friends. I can't get this young woman and her precious girl out of my mind. Struggling with my own anxiety disorder for years , I know how it feels to be desperate enough to contemplate on "ending" it all for myself , but I can never understand where does the thought of killing your own child come from??? What must happen in someones life to make them feel so lonely, scared, hopeless to actually do such a thing??? I know one thing , whenever it hits me, in that despair I feel like no one understands me , especially the closest people to me, the feeling of worthlessness and loneliness is just overwhelming. Nothing makes sense anymore, and the feeling that my kids and everyone else would be better off without me is SO REAL and LOGICAL, that it only makes sense to go ahead and do "IT". I never did, or tried, but those thoughts attacked me many times in my life, and I can honestly say that it was by the GRACE of GOD, the grace of Faith that although was lost ...or maybe not...was making me think among those other turbulent thoughts, about the everlasting consequences for my Eternal Life...and I was scared...it prevented me from pursuing my wicked plans...but it was also very frustrating because I really was exhausted with feeling the way I did and not being able to see any "light" in my future I just wanted to fall asleep and not to wake up. And in all this Darkness I also could not imagine the pain of my children if once they found out their Mama was gone...I was ANGRY that I could not make the final move...with myself and with God , because of Him I was doubting and debating...Today I know it was the most real spiritual battle going on inside and outside of me, for me...for my Life...And I thank my God, my Father, My SAVIOUR, and all the Angels that did not allow me to go on and act on my thoughts and feelings at those times.
I am so sorry today that this young mama was too tired or too weak, to reason with her own inner demons...And it's not the familys or friends fault, as we may presume that didn't see anything or were not there for her, she had a great family...and so did I at those very dark moments, and friends that I know now would help me, support me...but when that Darkness comes and takes over our life, it blinds us so completely that we don't belive these people would even want to look at us and want to help such na empty, lost piece of trash... We have to pray hard for all the people in our lives that are struggling with depression, anxieties, and for those that we don't even realize that are...because we never know.
May God, in His Divine Mercy, forgive that mom and grant both of them an eternal peace .
Rest in Peace Joanna and Bianca
Tuesday, February 14
I am so very happy today to have my husband at home on this Day of Love...but I don't think as happy as our 3 year old special needs daughter is. She is ecstatic to have both of her parents together just for herself while her older siblings are still at school. It doesn't happen to often that daddy and mommy are both home during the day. Daddy is usually working long hours. It just shows us how much each child needs both parents presence, and how much it means to them to spend a quality time with them, one on one. All the attention given to that one little person and they feel so important, so special. We tend to forget about that in the busyness of everyday life full of errands, and phone calls to be made, grocery shopping to be done and appointments to go to...That's why I treasure moments like today, because they remind me what matters mostly. Time spent with loved ones. And there is another thing that just comes to my mind, How our Heavenly Father must feel when we leave Him out of our daily life and do not spend time with Him...He loves us like no one else, but we usually give Him only one hour of the week, and that sometimes doesn't happen either. Why is it so hard for me to leave the earthly things for few minutes of the day, to make them the most blessed minutes of the day, by talking and listening to The Wisest Father , my God, my Creator. So this is what I am going to do right now...going to my "Tent of the Meeting with my Lord".Just He and I.
Monday, February 13
So here I am and I have no idea whatsoever about creating blogs, but someone dear to me suggested I start doing it...she thinks my life is worthwriting about...so here I am...I guess I will learn as I'll keep blogging since I am not a computer spec, although I spent a fair amount of my time on it, so hopefully I will learn and enjoy creating my Blog page while sharing my ordinary, everyday life full of blessings and struggles as I try really hard to be a good wife and a good mom just as my Lord and God wants me to be...and this is what this Blog is going to be about: me, the only child who decided to have a bigger family of her own and prove to the world that I can do it...How did that happen to be in real life will be revealed little by little each time with each new post...Right now, I am heading to bed,to gather my thoughts , moments of my life and what should I start from in the first place...Goodnight...