I can't concentrate much on anything today...it's a sad week for our Polish community in Kitchener . A young mom and her 4 year old little daughter passed away early this week, they were found by their father/grandfather on Monday evening and now police are saying it is a murder/suicide case. I didn't know her personally but I know who she is, from church, polish school, and also her parents happen to be the next door neighbors of my very close friends. I can't get this young woman and her precious girl out of my mind. Struggling with my own anxiety disorder for years , I know how it feels to be desperate enough to contemplate on "ending" it all for myself , but I can never understand where does the thought of killing your own child come from??? What must happen in someones life to make them feel so lonely, scared, hopeless to actually do such a thing??? I know one thing , whenever it hits me, in that despair I feel like no one understands me , especially the closest people to me, the feeling of worthlessness and loneliness is just overwhelming. Nothing makes sense anymore, and the feeling that my kids and everyone else would be better off without me is SO REAL and LOGICAL, that it only makes sense to go ahead and do "IT". I never did, or tried, but those thoughts attacked me many times in my life, and I can honestly say that it was by the GRACE of GOD, the grace of Faith that although was lost ...or maybe not...was making me think among those other turbulent thoughts, about the everlasting consequences for my Eternal Life...and I was scared...it prevented me from pursuing my wicked plans...but it was also very frustrating because I really was exhausted with feeling the way I did and not being able to see any "light" in my future I just wanted to fall asleep and not to wake up. And in all this Darkness I also could not imagine the pain of my children if once they found out their Mama was gone...I was ANGRY that I could not make the final move...with myself and with God , because of Him I was doubting and debating...Today I know it was the most real spiritual battle going on inside and outside of me, for me...for my Life...And I thank my God, my Father, My SAVIOUR, and all the Angels that did not allow me to go on and act on my thoughts and feelings at those times.
I am so sorry today that this young mama was too tired or too weak, to reason with her own inner demons...And it's not the familys or friends fault, as we may presume that didn't see anything or were not there for her, she had a great family...and so did I at those very dark moments, and friends that I know now would help me, support me...but when that Darkness comes and takes over our life, it blinds us so completely that we don't belive these people would even want to look at us and want to help such na empty, lost piece of trash... We have to pray hard for all the people in our lives that are struggling with depression, anxieties, and for those that we don't even realize that are...because we never know.
May God, in His Divine Mercy, forgive that mom and grant both of them an eternal peace .
Rest in Peace Joanna and Bianca